December 17, 1989.
History is made.
America says hello...
... to the first non-prehistoric family in primetime animation.
January 12, 1997.
History isn't done.
King of the Hill premieres, taking America by light drizzle.
I sell propane.
January 31, 1999.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
It's history again as Family Guy premieres.
And then history makes its first mistake in history.
It cancels Family Guy.
August 12, 2004.
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic pothead loner from Cincinnati...
... walks into a store and buys a Family Guy DVD.
History is listening.
American Dad! is also a show.
But tonight, the biggest history in the history of history will be made.
Because, for the first time ever, primetime animation will be going...
... live.
From Fox Studios, in Century City, California...
... it's the first-ever live telecast of an animated series.
This is The Cleveland Show Live...
... with special guest star, Julia Roberts.
Brought to you by Circuit City.
Circuit City, there's one left. Come find us.
Featuring the Walter Murphy Orchestra.
And now, an overweight, bumbling cartoon dad...
... Cleveland Brown.
My name is Cleveland Brown
And I am proud to be
Right back for season two
With my new family
Ladies and gentlemen, the original Solid Gold Dancers.
There's old friends and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where I don't take no jive
Screw The Amazing Race
You're watching Cleveland Live
Thank you.
Whoop, here I is.
That's gonna be my new catchphrase for season two.
Mine's gonna be "Teddy bear picnic."
You know what? Forget it.
Catchphrases are stupid.
Party over here.
Boys, I...
Boys, I need...
Boys, I need you to go pack your things.
You'll be spending the night at Robert's apartment.
Dad's place? All right.
I bet he takes me to the outdoor mall so I can drum on buckets for change.
Now, that's funky.
Dad, are we being sent to Robert's to scare us straight?
No, I paid Robert to watch you...
...so Donna and I can have the place to ourselves.
It's our first anniversary...
...and I've planned a big romantic dinner which could very well lead...
...to slow dancing, the recitation of love poetry...
...and other things that are too taboo to be discussed.
If I were Bernie Mac...
...I'd be sitting in a chair right now telling America how stupid you are.
Miss you, Bernie.
Hey, Roberta, are you staying at your deadbeat dad's too?
Please, if I wanted to breathe toxic mold and get flea bites...
...I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
It's gonna happen one way or the other.
Roberta's staying at her friend Tassie's house.
You know, the Iranian one.
Because ayatollah her to get lost.
No, but it's gonna work out great.
- Donna's gonna be so supr... - You're fat.
You know what else is fat?
Rudeness.
Hey, you kids like games, right?
Well, I got a fun one for you.
It's called Open the Box, Take Out the DVD Player...
...Put a Brick Where it Was, And Then Tape it Back Up.
And then we can build a wall out of the DVD players. Yay!
Oh, no, they found me.
Quick, move. Out the back window.
Man, we're three stories up.
- It's okay, the dumpster will break our fall. - But I'm scared, Daddy.
I'm not your daddy, fool. Let's split.
Here I go.
To infinity and beyond.
Guess it's my turn.
Anthony.
Let's see, I'll sit here and I guess the most natural thing would be...
...for Donna to sit next to me also facing in that direction.
You can come in now, Donna.
Cleveland, you made all this?
And you're gonna clean it all up by yourself afterwards?
Whatever.
Now, let's get to work on making those legs wobbly.
Look at me, I'm totally nude.
Looks like I've got some catching up to do...
...behind this pillar we've always had.
Boobs.
- Eek! - Robert?
There's some bad stuff going down. Real bad.
These people don't mess around.
I'm gonna have to lay low here for a couple of days.
No, absolutely not.
It's our first anniversary, the paper anniversary.
I was gonna give her an index card on which I'd written:
"I'd marry you all over again."
Wait a minute, there's no reason I still can't give it to you.
Here you go.
Aw.
You got a good one, girl.
Please, don't let my daddy get killed, Cleveland.
You can't be my only male role model.
I'll grow up to be an overweight gay loser.
That's crazy talk, sugar.
Cleveland, he's in a lot of trouble. We don't have a choice.
Hey, looks like C-Brown just got C-blocked.
Time to get strapped, doughboy.
- Pardon me? - Get your gun ready.
I don't have a gun.
I used to live here. We got guns everywhere.
Flip the couch.
I don't even need to buy bullets...
...because I'm sweating them. Sheesh.
And we're clear.
Okay, where's the guy who said I was fat?
Right here.
And apparently, the props department has put real bullets in our guns.
Sorry about that.
The Cleveland Show Live will be right back.
Robert and Rallo, places for act two. Robert and Rallo.
Someone's coming, get ready.
- Honey, I'm... - Now.
My tibias. Ah! There's a sack on my head.
Get it off, get if off, get it off.
I think it's Cleveland.
Or someone who sounds like Cleveland sent here to fool us.
No, it's me.
My fibulas.
Donna, that man is...
Sure is windy in here.
Donna, that man is a nuisance and a menace...
...and he's putting our family in danger.
He has to go.
The only Robert I want to see around here is Julia Roberts.
Look, Cleveland, Robert's the father of my children.
So unless you can come up with another safe place, he's staying with us.
Oh, but I was gonna do a makeup anniversary dinner tonight.
I got filet mignon.
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, I guess I'll have to save that filet for later.
Boo. I mean, yay.
Man, Cleveland, you skipped fun drunk and sad drunk...
...and went straight to angry drunk.
You'd be angry too if your wife's ex-husband was sleeping on your couch.
Houseguest. Sinbad.
Housebad.
Thank you.
I just wish I could find somewhere else for Robert to go.
That guy living in my house is more out of place...
...than I would be as an aristocratic woman in 18th century France.
Warning, don't go in the toilette.
After eating all those heavy French pastries...
...I've turned the bidet into a bi-don't.
So, yeah, Robert doesn't belong in my house.
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come to you in his time of need...
...and you have to be a good Christian and help him.
I know it's hard but you gotta just suck it off.
Fine.
If you're such a good Christian, Tim, why don't you take him in?
Me?
It's not really a good time for us, you know.
A couple of periods ago, Arianna went crazy and tore up the mattress in the guest room.
Hi, Jesus, it's me, Cleveland.
I know I haven't talked to you since Donna's pregnancy scare...
...but I need to tell you a little something about my friend Tim...
...who I thought was a good Christian.
Oh, come on, don't bust me to Jesus.
Well?
All right, I guess I should papa what I preach.
If you're going to be hiding out with us, you must put on a shirt.
Nobody wants to see your pumped-up muscles and prison scars.
What's wrong, you getting turned on? You can't handle it?
Oh, please.
I wouldn't handle it wearing the thickest of my gardening gloves.
And put that out. This is a smoke-free household.
Lady, you sure got a lot of rules.
"Grr" yourself, bear bitch.
Call me a bitch again.
Brisk.
Whoa, whose funeral are you all dressed up for?
Please, say my dentist.
That was an ad-lib.
I should be getting paid to write this show too.
And y'all never got back to me about directing that episode.
I'm dressed up because your mother and I are finally having our anniversary dinner.
Here, go see a movie.
- Nothing with boobs. - Aw.
- And nothing with elves. - Aw.
Mm-mm.
This place is dark, romantic and smells like fondue...
...just like my man.
Happy anniversa...
Roberta, what a surprise to see you here at this particular time...
...and not entering through the door but through this fourth wall of our house.
Well, I thought I'd stop by...
...because apparently I've been over at Tassie's for three days now.
You have?
Yeah, but I guess somebody didn't think of that...
...when he cut my story out of the show, remember?
Roberta takes the debate team to regionals?
Yeah, that was a laugh riot. Set your VCR.
Nobody uses VCRs anymore, fool.
How do you play tapes?
I wonder who's at the door.
Right now.
Oh, it's Tim.
Tim, what are you doing here?
Arianna. Robert.
I walked in on them.
They were playing Hide The Salman Rushdie.
- What? - First, he did it regular style.
And then he did it like an NBA guy...
...right on top of our Energy Star-qualified washer from Circuit City.
Say, Tim, how much does that Energy Star-qualified washer...
...from Circuit City tend to save you on your utility bills?
As much as $200 a year.
Not too shabby.
Anyway, Arianna said she doesn't love me anymore.
She said Robert is everything I'm not.
Strong and virile...
...and he doesn't cry after, so you know, yay for Robert.
Cleveland, this is your fault.
You told him to tear up my wife?
- No, sir, I wouldn't... - Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna start my own after-party here.
You know, because the show's over for me...
...since my debate story got cut.
Roberta, I don't think you should be drinking since you're only 15.
I play 15, jackass.
All right, seems like Roberta's not feeling well...
...so maybe she should go to the doctor and...
Maybe you should go to hell.
- Don't you touch me. I'm a survivor. - Settle down.
- And you know why? I can do it all. - Live episode, remember, this affects us.
- I'm every woman. - Studio execs are watching.
- I was in Hustle & Flow. - Wanna be in the movie?
- Back off, old man. - You might wanna play ball.
Go to commercial. Go to commercial.
So Roberta, you told me you have something to say?
Yes, I would like to apologize for my behavior earlier.
Underage drinking...
...is a major problem in our society, one that is in no way condoned...
...by Fox Broadcasting Corporation or its affiliates.
As for those things I said, I have a logical explanation.
I ate some bad shrimp and went crazy.
But the last thing you and Mom needed...
...was someone else interrupting your anniversary celebration...
...when my dad, Robert, already ruined it once.
And who knows what will happen now that Tim the Bear has barged in...
...to announce that his wife, Arianna, had sex with Robert.
Now, back to my friend Tassie's house.
Stay there as long as you want.
Boy, Tim, this Arianna thing...
Rough, rough stuff.
Rough stuff.
Cleveland, can I talk to you for a moment?
I'm worried about Tim. We've got to talk to Arianna.
Man, it's all my fault for bringing Robert into their lives.
It sounds like he and Arianna are getting freakier...
...than the time I was a masseuse at the Playboy Mansion.
All right, which one of you ladies should I lotion up?
No, no. No funny.
That was really bad.
- Are you okay, Cleveland? - Mr. Brown.
Fine. Moving on.
Oh, cracked it.
Oh, it's cracked.
Donna, if you're looking for Robert, he's sleeping.
We were up till 4 in the morning.
Well, he was up.
That is innuendo.
And he was in my end-o.
Be that as it may...
...Arianna, you need to take Tim back.
Being without you has wrecked him.
- Speaking of rectum... - Wrecked him.
Tim's a wreck.
Arianna, what you're doing is wrong.
It's adultery.
I mean, what if I told your church friends?
That a self-righteous Christian is actually a hypocrite?
Alert the media.
But how can you throw away...
...this whole unremarkable life you have with Tim?
It's easy.
Robert is amazing in bed. He's wild and adventurous...
...and his technique is almost magical.
The way he kisses your ear and brings you right up to the edge...
...and then at exactly the right moment...
He bites down and it's pain and pleasure...
...and a thousand volts of electricity shoot through every inch of your body.
He never helped with the dishes, though.
Game, set and match.
Tim, if you want Arianna back, you have to fight for her.
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert. I got priors, man.
Tim, listen to me.
You don't have to fight him. You just need to stand up for yourself.
Arianna wants somebody who's strong.
You have to be manly like a Latino man or an Italian man...
...or a German woman.
All right, then. She wants manly, I'll give her manly...
...up the old wazoo.
Why don't we take the road less traveled?
They tracked me here. You gotta find a place for me to hide.
Wait, Bob, take me with you.
I still have four nipples you haven't touched.
Damn, this bitch got a lot of nipples.
Oh, no, it's all over.
Wait a minute, who are you?
I'm his parole officer, Julia Robertson.
I may look like a pretty woman but I'm a steel magnolia...
...and I eat, pray, love being a parole officer...
...even when I have to miss my best friend's wedding...
...to track down a runaway bride.
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
Parole officer?
This whole time, you've been running scared from your parole officer?
Resolved, bitches.
Oh, fluff me.
I said resolved, it's a debate term.
Camera two.
Uh... So this whole time, Robert, you've be...
Don't you cut away from me.
- Judges of this debate final. - Adjust left.
- Title IX legislation... - Tighter, tighter.
...has given the girls of this nation confidence and self-esteem.
Get off her.
- As former vice-presidential candidate... - Camera two.
...Geraldine Ferraro said, opportunity is not a privilege.
Screw it, just let her talk.
It's a right.
And that is why your story was cut.
Trying to keep me out of the show.
I am the damn show.
- Someone get the medic! - Save America's favorite smile!
There goes the Emmy.
Give us some room, people.
Hey, now that Arianna's here, it's your chance to win her back.
Cleveland, we've only got 60 seconds left.
What?
- Fifty-eight seconds, need to wrap it up. - Damn Roberta, wasting our time...
- Fifty-six seconds. - Okay, okay, here's what happens.
Tim stands up to Robert, which makes Arianna see him as a man...
...or a bear or whatever.
And Robert realizes his parole officer...
...just wanted to tell him to spend more time with his son.
So he takes Rallo bowling...
...and Cleveland Jr. goes along too because they have cheese fries...
...which means Donna and I are finally free to have our romantic dinner.
Romantic dinner, quick.
Happy anniversary, Donna.
You brought a lot of craziness into my life but I wouldn't have it any other way.
- Clear. - I love you, Cleveland.
- Clear. - I love you, Donna.
- Call it. - Eight fifty-eight.
We did it.
We really did it. We pulled it off live.
All right.
All right, that's all we got. Whoo!
To my amazing crew, sorry I've been stressed out this week...
...and yelled at those PAs earlier, and shot that guy in the audience.
You know it comes from a good place.
I'd like to thank Fox and, of course, Seth and Julia Rob...
Sorry, the late Julia Roberts.
There's one more star in heaven. 9/11 was an inside job.
Good night, everybody.